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Here go the 10 quintessential and uncompromising ‘lessons of life’ for a man as imparted by ‘Jab Tak Hain Jaan’, in their order of importance.
Girls, God and Gelatin Sticks
If you are scorned by your love, and also scoffed by Divinity (the two are cumulative and the option of either/or does not apply here), then your sole ray of hope is to join the Indian Army in general and a Bomb Diffusion Squad, in particular. Yes, it cannot be either the Tank Division or the Engineering Unit. It HAS to be the Bomb Diffusion Squad – PERIOD. It does not matter one bit to the Army if in your earlier ‘professional’ sojourn, you were to be a guitar slinging, half-baked-English speaking, uniformed and table-waiting personality with a singular and homing pigeon like focus on a girl who has already been engaged to another guy. The Army not only cares two hoots for your past, but also is more than magnanimous enough to fast track your career in the Armed Forces by making you a ‘MAJOR”!
Bomb Disposal Protective Gears – Bah! Raybans would do please
Lesson No.2 draws from and in a theoretical manner of speaking is a corollary of Lesson 1. If you are scorned by the girl you love, scoffed by Divinity as well, and as a matter-of-course, find yourself in a Bomb Diffusion Squad, NEVER ever wear any kind of protective gear whilst at the job. There is no explosive on the Planet that is potent enough to kill a man who has been slaughtered already at the hands of love! “Hell hath no fury like a Bomb Squad gentleman completely jilted”. However a pair of either ‘Rayban’ or ‘Aviator’ sun-glasses is a must! Even though the swanky sunnies ought to be necessarily removed while working on the complex mechanisms involving an Improvised Explosive Devices, wearing the glasses prior to approaching the bomb IS INDISPENSIBLE! If possible try and walk towards the explosive in ‘slow motion’.
Love, Life, Limb and London
Irrespective of whether you are in love, out of love, reconsidering love, and MOST importantly, if you nurse any kind of hope towards either your life or limb, then London is NOT the place for you! The traffic in one of Europe’s most beautiful cities is incomprehensibly unsympathetic to a man who has at any point in his life either contemplated love or is in the process of contemplating love. London HATES men who are in any manner associated with love! The city will do its best to cause complicated damages to the physical and mental well-being of such persons by employing its traffic to induce various kinds of experimental ‘Retrograde Amnesia’ with a few calculated nudges and pushes! If you are a past, current or even a planning-to-be-future lover, GET OUT OF LONDON – NOW!!!
Churches, Chicks and Chase
Use ample discretion NEVER to ‘Chase’ a ‘Chick’ who is a regular in ‘Church’ and who engages Divinity in a bout of unchallenged monologue! You never know what she prays for not only for herself but also for you. A selfless act on her part might turn out to be the most catastrophic event for you spanning a multitude of agonizing years. So before proceeding to love, first proceed to understand the religious intricacies that might be involved. At times, even God can be a real interference!
Dangling Damsels & Discovery Channels
If you want to make a huge splash and dash of your career, make sure that you are part of a documentary series sponsored by the ‘DISCOVERY’ Channel. Yes, it HAS to be Discovery and NOT ‘History’, ‘Animal Planet’ or ‘Fox News’. Even if the said feature on Discovery ultimately turns out to resemble a series straight out of ‘Comedy Central’, it does not matter a jot! Moreover the documentary has to be shot by a sexy damsel trying to get her first break and who does not mind distracting you from your task of diffusing a live bomb underneath a bridge, by dangling and swaying alongside you and engaging in a non-stop chattering of subjects ranging from the spiritual to the sexual!
Versatility & Video Cameras
Having mere expertise with handling explosive devices might not be adequate in life. You ought to be a wizard in mending broken video cameras that are manned by beautiful babes. For, if you prove unsuccessful in such an endeavor, you cannot have your own space on ‘DISCOVERY’!
Intensity Is Indispensable
Always try and maintain an inscrutable look of intensity. It sure helps.
Remember Bomb No.108
The final bomb that you will diffuse prior to attaining salvation, succor and sensibility in your colourful life will be Bomb No.108. While 107 bombs prior to that would have been successfully diffused by you ‘in-country’, 1 bomb HAS to be handled with care by you abroad in – yes, you guessed it right, in that blasted hell-hole that is LONDON!!!
What goes around has to come around
If you have fallen in love, had multiple head-injuries, fallen out of love, moved locations, become famous and intensely famous, your first love will always come back to you!
If you believe all the 9 BUNKUM and BALDERDASH lessons as stated above, you are either absolutely DAFT or a hero in the latest flick from Yashraj Productions!