Ra.One and the 14 other worst movies of 2011
When Bollywood makes a mess, it makes a HUGE mess. Game isn’t just a trainwreck – it pummels the train off the rails, sets it on fire and kills everyone onboard. This poor excuse of a murder mysteryis spectacular only in the sense that its stars Abhishek Bachchan and Kangana Ranaut make spectacles of themselves.
The film is rife with hilariously bad whodunit clichés, plotholes and characters like the International Police who’re as earth-shatteringly stupid as possible. The big kahani mein twist is so ham-fisted you expect Porky the Pig to make an appearance. Fortunately director Abhinay Deo redeemed himself later this year with Delhi Belly.
The most expensive Bollywood movie ever makes even atheists want to storm Buddhist monasteries to find an oasis of serenity. Ra.One contains such high quality humour as scantily clad Chinese babes named Iski Lee, Uski Lee & Sabki Lee; and a male security guard who licks his lips at the sight of SRK’s pierced nipples. Curly-haired Shahrukh Khan’s hysterically bad acting reaches its zenith in what is supposed to be his pivotal, emotional scene. He later whimpers and mewls like a little girl and proceeds to grab Arjun Rampal by the crotch, making what is already an embarrassing movie even more unwatchable. Not even Kareena Kapoor, who looks aggressively stupid and blissfully unaware of it while driving a Mumbai local train, could save this mess.
Ready is a Salman Khan film that justifies traveling back in time to pre-emptively kill Salim Khan. Ready is not a movie – it is an object of pity and derision.As directed by Anees Bazmee with his characteristic disregard for common sense, this is bad even by the standards of Z-grade Hindi cinema. Every third joke here is self-referential, from naming Salman’s own films to punchlines of dozens of ads. The remainder of the comedy includes avante garde stuff like kids taking off their knickers and peeing on peoples’ faces. A zoo monkey could come up with a more intelligent script than this – that too by just by doodling on the walls of his cage with his own stool that he’d been eating off the floor.
2. Mujhse Fraaandship Karoge
I kind of love Y-Films. They’re blowhard, publicity whores, unbelievably delusional, and utterly incompetent as a quality film studio, but they’re unapologetic about it. And there’s something endearing about that. I mean, anyone who has the balls to publicly call film critics as idiots is actually sort of heroic when you think about it. Yes, their films are truly horrendous, but at the same time they’re so bad there’s something almost transcendent about them. They are Bollywood’s Ed Wood. Ultimately Mujhse Fraaandship Karoge, by virtue of its go-for-broke, awesomely inept atrociousness, will be remembered long after Y-films’ middle-of-the-road stinkers like Virus Diwan will have faded from our collective memory.
I’m at a loss for words about what else I could possibly say about Mausam to deter anyone from watching it. Everything about it is terrible. The longer it went on, the more I hated it. Mausam is the only film in the history of cinema that should be declared a health hazard. To watch it, you need Fevi Kwik glue since it is the only thing that will keep your eyes from rolling repeatedly at the hoary clichés. Shahid Kapoor in an IAF suit is surpassed in apparent foolishness only by the hideously fake CGI plane that shames the special effects used in 1967’s Wahaan ke log. I do not recall ever laughing at anything the film intended as funny. But I did laugh occasionally at its clumsiness. My favorite example of Mausam’s idiocy was the climax when Shahid Kapoor rescues a white horse and a kid atop a Ferris wheel with his paralysed hand. If it had all been on purpose, Mausam would have gone down as one of the greatest comedies of all time.
Dishonorable Mentions: Thank you, Bheja Fry 2, Chatur Singh 2 Star and Love Breakups Zindagi.